Dave Van Ronk

Honesty may be one of the most misunderstood values we humans hold dear. While an outright lie or deceitfulness is certainly no way to live (and may even wind you up in jail ala Enron), all too often we use honesty to avoid the hard work of handling a difficult situation with finesse and intelligence.

I’m just being honest!” is said after a coworker is obviously hurt by a blunt and unedited comment. But this response always holds a double-edge sword: it hurts the person AND allows the sender to feel like a good person all in one comment. Pretty tempting.

Usually these “honesty at all times no matter what” types are angry and judgmental people who have been taught that they can play judge and jury with full permission by simply labeling their hatefulness as “honesty.” And many stand before them, stunned and hurt, scratching their heads wondering what’s wrong with them that they aren’t receptive to this “honesty” stuff that’s supposed to be so hard to come by.

The social reality is that our lower, base, and (usually) private thoughts should be kept in a safe place: our own minds. People must learn that telling social ‘white lies’ and therefore editing their ugly and unkind thoughts is a necessary component to our socialization. And as an added bonus: it keeps people from slugging each other.

How often do you think you tell a lie or at least a half-truth on a daily basis? Twice a day? Five times a day? More? I’d say maybe tens times that.

Answer these questions as you normally would. Then answer them HONESTLY.

“How are you today?”
“Did you have a nice weekend?”
”Don’t you just love being a parent?”
“Would you like to go to my church with me? We’re having a potluck for new members.”
“What do you think of my hair? My kids think it makes me look old.”
“Would you mind reading this over and getting back to me ASAP?”
“Would it be alright if I shared your office today? Mine’s got too many boxes in it.”
“Do I talk too loud on the phone?”
“Do you think I am too blunt?”

And so it goes. We lie all day. The first time my son said, “That lady is fat!” at the ripe old age of three, I immediately taught him that the right thing to do was to lie (or at least to withhold his true feelings and perceptions until we got into the car). And don’t even get me started on the Santa issue.

So we lie and we avoid and we squirm to avoid this thing called honesty. People who do not filter their every thought will find themselves in a much bigger dilemma than someone who tells the socially acceptable lie. It’s really a matter or which you hold MORE dear: honesty or kindness.

But can’t these two traits live in harmony? Yes. Honesty CAN be kind. But it is rare person that can put these two together. More often honesty is just a way to judge someone for not being like you, thinking like you, acting like you. What you are saying is, ‘If you were more like me, I wouldn’t judge you. But you are like YOU and I don’t like it.” We won’t (or can’t) take the extra effort to find the words within us to show the compassion that will help someone progress in a way that doesn’t insult their current choices. It can be done, but there is a deep work involved in creating statements that reflect kindness and truth. “Kindness and honesty can only be expected from the strong,” said Mother Theresa.

Most of us just aren’t there yet.

See more advice on handling difficult people on my website (Work Stress Solutions.Com).

I have experienced the cold shoulder in the past from a co-worker for reasons unknown to me. And how have I, the trainer-of-all-things-conflict-riddled, handled it? I simply trusted that whatever “it” was, if it was really important, would be brought to my attention. I just kept working and being polite and minding my own business. After a time, things went back to normal, and I was none the wiser.

Now the question that is begging to be asked is, “Is this a good way of going through life, dealing with co-workers and loved ones?” Well, I would say “yes” since that’s my way. But let me tell you my rationale and then see if it fits for you too.

I see it this way: I can’t read your mind, though I will admit I can read your body language. But if you are angry with me, or judging me, why do I have to go further out on the ledge and take the risk and actually ask for more discomfort undoubtedly at my expense? Why shouldn’t the discomfort be on YOUR end by having to have that difficult conversation where you present your contention to me, and we hash it out, and hopefully resolve the difficulty or difference of opinion?

I realize that what the cold shoulder is supposed to achieve is my taking the first step and saying, “Gosh, is something bothering you?” therefore opening the door for the upset person to relieve himself of his tension or distaste. But as the title of this section says, “Don’t Make Me Ask” I gotta say I think it’s unfair.

To be both mad at someone and show it physically and then make them get it out of you is a double-whammy. At least meet that person halfway. After all, you’re the one who is steaming. It’s your pot that’s boiling over, why do I have to move it off the burner (ah—am I a genius with a metaphor or what?).

So, what this advice is suggesting is instead of stewing, take on your issue with the person directly and soon. I know that the longer I let something fester, the worse it becomes in my head. I think this does a lot of damage in the end. Better to just get it over with, like pulling a thorn out of your palm.

As always, I ask that you look at the applications for this both at work and home. Spouse and kids can’t read minds either!

“Get mad, then get over it.”—Colin Powell

Head over to my website (Work Stress Solutions) for more resources on dealing with difficult people.

Dr. Stephen Covey of “The Seven Habits” fame states that everything we do in life is tied to a relationship…relationships with important others or with the self.  When we have difficulty in any of those key relationships our happiness suffers.

And difficult people create difficulty.

I have found one profound truth or Universal Law is in play :  all anyone wants is to be happy.  We may call it a career or a beautiful home or a loving relationship, but in the end, these things are simply our best guess at what we think will make us happy.

So while this blog is ALL about dealing with difficult people—it will ultimately impact your key relationships and make them better (or happier).  And that result will result in you feeling better (or happier).

Ready to be happy?  Are ya sure?  Because happy takes more effort than being negative, or cynical or angry.  Happy requires training.  Happy requires learning a new way to think.

Changing the way you think happens here. The items I post here will provide you with the way to think about your circumstances, and this will change the way you feel.

Changing your mind begins now.

My website has many, many (free) options for changing your mind.  Head over to Work Stress Solutions.